Thursday, August 26, 2010

I never thought I would feel this way, but...

I find I'm having a difficult time with the number of pregnant women in my life. I have often when wishing a friend or fellow forum member congrats had that small moment or glimmer of celebrating my BFP. At first, it was more hopeful and inspiring. Later as the months wore on it became more sad. I think for a long time because I wasn't ovulating and I knew it wouldn't be likely until I stopped my meds that I was somewhat in a holding pattern. I was "actively" TTC--sorta. Really it was more like waiting.

I think since January (2010) I have started to experience more frustration and grief over my own lack of ovulation. There was one day in May that I was so low (I don't think taking Vitex helped) that I just HAD to go out for a walk and think things through. It was either go out and do something or curl up and have a good cry and I didn't want to feel sorry for myself. Out on the walk I would see happy families and even passed a woman with a baby. I had to rush past or risk breaking out in tears in front of them. I also started feeling more pain when I saw someone's signature on the forums with a baby ticker (mostly the Pregnology ones that show an embryo/fetus in utero).

I realize that this is MY pain over MY difficulties. For my pregnant friends (and family!) please understand that I am ecstatic that you are experiencing this joyful stage in your life. I cannot wait for the day when I can hold your little one and coo over whether he/she has momma's nose or daddy's eyes. Even at my miscarriage, I reminded myself of the practical reasons and looked forward to the future, while grieving for my loss. I knew (and know) how much I can handle related to pregnancy.

Yet, just recently, every pregnancy announcement or belly pic just makes me long for my own pregnancy---future ones and the never-was.

So, if I excuse myself from conversation or don't seem as enthusiastic over your baby plans, it is not that I wish you ill but am overcome by my own lacking. I apologize if I seem rude.

I really think that right now I'm 6DPO and am SUPER weepy and emotional so it is hitting me really hard. Normally I can keep my chin up. I have seen soooo many women despairing of how everywhere they look there is a pregnant woman and how hard it is to handle. I can handle it, but today it is much more difficult than before.

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Motherhood Wanted approved!

Motherhood Wanted approved!
Diana Farrell, MA


Motherhood Wanted approved!