I will not listen to IPS, I will not listen to IPS....

I have a love/hate relationship with studying my "symptoms" during a TWW to see if this somewhat newer symptom or way more intense breast pain = BFP in my future. But is it PMS or EPS (early pregnancy symptoms)?  Sometimes I call PMS "IPS" for imaginary pregnancy symptoms.

I love going to www.countdowntopregnancy.com to log my most recent symptoms and check out stats on most common early pregnancy symptoms, when they're most often experienced, etc. It is one of my favorite sites, as they offer at least 6 ways to log breast pain---because if you've been TTCing long, you know one cycle may have tender nipples only, sometimes just underarms/sides of breasts hurt and sometimes breasts ache when just sitting but don't feel worse if touched and other times only hurt if touched/pressed.

Way to confuse a girl, eh!  Anyhow, I'm bringing this up because my PMS/IPS symptoms are singing their song:

When you're running to go pee
and go up a size or three,
then it must be time to take your H-P-T!

If your boobs are really sore
and you crave chocolates galore,
then it's time to get behind that bathroom door!

If your eyes are drooping low
and your thinking's kind of slow
then this month you're bound to miss your Aunt Flow!

test-test-test TEST test-test-test TEST 
It is your time to TEEEEEEEESSSST!!!!!!!

So, I'm a leetle obsessed with symptoms. Last night around 6PM, it seemed like my nips were starting to throb and by 10PM the tops and sides of my breast were burning kind of sore--kind of tingling. I also noticed getting tired around 10PM before I took meds--usually don't get tired until 11PM or later.

BUT, I will not test tomorrow. If I temp tomorrow AND Friday morning, I can test then. 

Stupid craving! And other ways I convince myself I'm pregnant on my period.

Cravings. They get us every time. Many women have the traditional chocolate or potato chip craving (or chocolate covered potato chips, nom nom nom). For me, it is usually fried food. Often I will crave crab rangoon, my fave guilty pleasure at Chinese restaurants. This was mostly when I lived near a Chinese restaurant that I would pass every day on my way to work. Sometimes it's anything fried, and sometimes only the thing I crave will satisfy. Lately, I've been so off sweets when I'm not on my LP/AF, that it is only in my TWW or on my period that I actually enjoy chocolate or really sweet stuff.

The point of this, is that for some reason this LP, my body decided to give me a yen for ice cream sandwiches. Just the plain vanilla, ice cream sandwich. My mouth just started watering at the thought. And because this, and other symptoms have carried over OR increased into my period, I keep getting that niggling thought that says--"Maybe you're pregnant! Your flow is so light, it could be a really heavy IB. Remember your friend had that happen!" So let's look at the "I'm pregnant" vs. "I'm on my period" arguments.

For formatting sake, we'll start with:

Reasons I believe I am pregnant:

1. Continued, specific cravings for ONE sweet thing, while detesting all other sweets.
2. Loss of appetite/get full fast--I just don't want much. 
3. Fatigue/exhaustion
4. Flow is still on the lighter side. AF was later than I thought, and it takes a whole day to fill my menstrual cup.
5. Some heartburn at night (although I have IBS, this is a more uncommon symptom for me), as well as  small moments of nausea. Fleeting really.
6. Moments of boob pain and especially sharp pain in glands in the back of my arms.
7. Still have a frequent urge to pee.

Reasons why I'm on my period:

1. Craving something in particular is a VERY common period symptom for me.
2. Appetite change I am experiencing is very likely the result of the RJ and Bee Fertile Supplements
1. RJ often gives me loss of appetite, especially at first
2. Vitex/Chasteberry can  exacerbate my depression, often first seen through appetite changes, such as loss of appetite.
3. Fatigue--where to start?
1. Recently ill, unable to get adequate rest this weekend, went to bed late past 3 nights. 
2. Vitex--often causes fatigue as part of worsening potential depressive symptoms
4. Flow is still heavy enough to be my period. I've had recent cycles with varying flow. Also, not even a hint of  a positive on my pregnancy tests 2 days into my period (yes, you read it right, after)
5. I ate a LOT of junk food this weekend and some spicy. Heartburn has been quite light too. IBS is all funky, so, could be just that. Plus I have some weird painful pit in my stomach--I hope I don't have an ulcer. 
6. The logical explanation is that after my initial dip in progesterone, the remaining amount filtering out as my estrogen rises is continuing the occasional boob soreness and gland pain. Also, the RJ might be causing this, as I remember having early boob soreness lasting well into my period.
7. For 12 months now, my symptoms seem to intensify and/or change well into my period. I should know this is my pattern now.

Despite all of the 7 excellent and sensible reasons I have listed supporting that this is JUST another AF, I still have an urge to test. Because my last BFN was using afternoon urine. I guess we'll see what I do tomorrow!


Disclaimer: These supplements were provided to me at no cost, but all opinions are my own. Believe me, I will give you the good, bad, and in-between with an unvarnished eye.

4DPO today!

Ok, so I know I have not been sharing much with you guys lately. I really need to jump back on my blogging bandwagon, because it is fun! So, this cycle in summary, I had 2 days of potential BD in the fertile cycle, one of which was the day after O, so it might as well not count, the chances are that low.  The other was about 4 days before O, so not great chances there either.

However, still a chance. And what is encouraging to me is that I do think I have finally had a picture perfect cycle. Now if only it will get me my picture perfect BFP! I've had such classic CM progression. It went from dry to sticky to watery/creamy to EWCM....and I had at least FOUR days of EWCM!!! The one BD before O was also on the 1st day of EWCM. Also, I checked my cervix this cycle and I got a very high soft, medium open cervix the day or two before O.

Then, the day after I O'd I went from swimming in EWCM to dry by the end of the day! It was magical. And my temps! They have NOT been their usual pattern, but in this case I think it is good. My pre-O temps have gotten back in the low 97s like they did right around my pregnancy last July (2010). And my post-O instead of slowly climbing up, I had one spike of .7 on 1DPO, then another .5 on 2 DPO....I didn't get my fall-back temp until today!!!

So, here's my 4 DPO update for today!

So, 4DPO--
As traditional with me, symptoms are more severe in the evening. Most notable are dull aching/cramping in pelvis--not quite like AF, although today's were a bit stronger. Sometimes I just can't tell if it's constipation or actual cramping though.  Metallic taste in the mouth is continuing.And spotting that's not-quite-spotting....it was very scant and more like a brownish watery residue....not my usual at all. Temp went down slightly...I guess I'll call that my fall-back. I've had one as late as 5 DPO, but this one was slight--only .2 degrees. 
Mood---don't get me started, let's go with Moody. Although to be honest, I"m just pulling out of a depressed mood, and so a lot of it is that more than anything. I'm fine most of the day then get into a sullen mood with DH because he kept criticizing my choice of steak for the party.  He's just SO particular, but I was trying to save MONEY! Which he's always harping on! Anyway, he finally confronted me with an apology for his surly mood earlier (we were both gems today). Then I had to explain to him what about his behavior I found so upsetting. Not so much the surliness, but constant criticism when I do things FOR him. 
Ok, still not quite over that one I see. He did apologize and we made up, but not before I became a crying mess! 

The Essence of the TWW

I was just mulling over my last cycle again. I went back and forth between certain optimism that this IS the cycle and I AM pregnant to reminding myself that realistically, my "symptoms" over my TWW can change from cycle to cycle just cause that is what our bodies do. We never have "the same" TWW--there will always be that one tiny thing we can point out that is new or different--that we can try to hang our hat on as an indicator that we are pregnant.

But this is the essence of the TWW--the cycling between hope and despondency. We have put so much work, sacrifice and pain into "helping" our bodies create the perfect environment for growing a young life that we anxiously examine any sign that would prove our efforts are not in vain and that we are not engaged in an endlessly futile struggle.

I think it will be the death of me (or my efforts to TTC!)

Sinuses, temp spikes, sleeplessness, Oh my!

Ok, I know I've used the ol' "Wizard of Oz" Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, OH MY title before, but how can you resist? Also, this is a super long post, and if you read the whole thing, bless you! : )

Sinus update--fatigue is somewhat less, but cough is way worse, sore throat moderately sore (compared to severe) and ears are itchy. Yuck. I kind of wish I'd asked the Dr at the Walk-in for a z-pack in hopes this would clear soon---I saw online it was pregnancy category B!! So is the amoxicillin he gave me, but I have 10+ days worth!! One cool thing he gave was a list of OTC (over-the-counter) meds that are "safe" for pregnancy. (Expect a post with that later!)

Temp spikes---click the link to my chart at the top--99.1! Now for most people this would be a fever. I suppose it could be. I feel I don't have any reliable fever thermometers. The only one I trust is my BBT. Also, woke at 5AMish to pee and so got slightly less sleep than needed to accurately trust the temp. Here's the thing though---lately, my pre-O temps are hovering between 97.6 and 98.1---98.0 is my coverline and my pre-O temps were more often in the lower half of the 97s. So, now my coverline is about the same, but my pre-O temps seem to hover just underneath that until O. SO, assuming that I COULD be pregnant, and that I MIGHT go triphasic, it makes sense that I would get up to the low 99s, right?? (See me desperately grasping straws)

The sleeplessness thing. This COULD have been since I got the sinus infection (about 1 week pre-O) BUT from what I recorded on FF, the waking regularly around 4AM has been since O....not my usual LP experience, though it has happened a few times, this time it is CONSTANT. Also, the frequent urination thing---I usually overestimate this one, but I timed it the other day and 30 minutes after peeing I need to go again.  I can guarantee I will wake at least once before temping (~7:10AM--I know I'm weird for picking that time) and that time has ranged anywhere from 3:30-5AM. Most of those are early enough that I technically can get enough sleep in to have the required 3 hours sleep before temping. But not always. So, I just went and marked every day that I seemed to wake up early AM.

And, I know this is not the accepted truth, but I SWEAR that I have tested myself by taking temps when I first wake (at an early hour) and then again when I wake at regular testing time---and my temp DROPS. This is exactly opposite effect from what you read about in most charting materials. I suspect it is because I get all snuggly under the heavy covers that it acts as a sort of incubation and the first waking and getting out of covers creates a massive cooling down that the short amount of sleep can't regain the temp.

So, high temp, but this morning the leftover sperm from yesterday was streaked with darkish or bright red blood. This is just about on-cue for me to truly start spotting with my reg cycles. But at the same time I have doubt because, well, not to get to TMI, but let's just say there was a lot of irritation in the vajayjay after yesterday's exercise. Right after there was NOTHING. Today, just flecks in the seminal fluid.

Oh, and I decided to test using my CBEFM test sticks with my Clearblue digi OPK reader---the sticks look ALMOST exactly the same. It sure fit. Please don't laugh, but I was so tired when I first woke to pee at 5AM that I think I compromised the test with overflowing urine. I'm new to the CB OPK digi and I forgot that you put the test in the reader BEFORE peeing on it. I was using it like I would for the CBEFM. The CB OPK digi reader wouldn't work with it. So I tried again at 7Am and it did read it...got nothing though. And it looks like Estrogen is back in dominance, which for the average LP it would be higher than LH at this point. I wish there were a home Progesterone test! Kind of pointless unless it is quantitative and all home tests are qualitative (i.e. first one gives an exact # of the levels and the second is just a Yes/No answer). So if there were a Progesterone pee stick I'd have to take a baseline one right before O and then start testing later...but still, it'd be hard to know just HOW high it is getting.

I know we POAS addicts like to think a darker line means more hormone in the test (OPK, HPT, FSH, whatever) but the truth is that although this is generally true, each batch of the respective tests can have a varying amount of dye in each test---meaning same brand, different batch could yield very different results from the same urine sample in terms of color darkness. So, that's why ladies if you take an HPT one day that is super dark and the next very light followed by another dark one---mostly differences in dye, but then you add in different concentrations of urine (unless you truly used all from the same urine sample within 1 hour). Same thing for OPKs. We all like to think we can line up our OPKs and see a gradual darkening of the test line--and generally we can, but don't be surprised if there are a few in-between that get really darker or really lighter than the previous--it's all down to dye and pee.

I'm a masochist

I think any woman TTC will totally understand what I mean. During the 2ww we welcome sore, swollen bb, backaches, etc. because it *might* be because we're pregnant. I even press my nips or sides of my bbs to see how much it hurts, does it hurt worse than the day before. I feel blegh, but part of it makes me hopeful.  I even get worried when something stops hurting.  I'm only 4 DPO!

Also, starting to pee a LOT more. And I feel hungry allll the time. I went to eat Thai food, and I had my WHOLE plate and an hour or two later I was sooo hungry!

But, although I'm slightly hopeful I feel more hopeless. I've seen all of these symptoms before (and more!) and nothing. I just don't know which will be the magic cocktail that means I'm pregnant!

Impatiently waiting....I just hope that my LP is at least longer than 9 days.

Early Pregnancy Symptoms/Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms

There's a fine line between early pregnancy symptoms (EPS) and imaginary pregnancy symptoms (IPS). And that line is the test line on your pregnancy tests. Yes, nature is cruel, and often the same (or similar) symptoms a woman experiences prior to her period are the same as symptoms prior to pregnancy. Especially for a TTCer who as she starts the 2WW (two week wait) is susceptible to slight changes in her body.

With that said, for my first official 2WW I'm going to present a list of my EPS/IPS by DPO:

DPO2-3:
  --Random itching of my body. At first I just noticed it on the back of my arm behind my arm-pit, the inside of my arm near my wrist and my scalp.    
  --Slightly more frequent urination but I wasn't sure if that was because I started drinking more water (but not more than I used to before two weeks ago)
DPO3:
  --I also started to notice at 3PM a distinct metallic taste in my mouth. Kind of like I sucked on a quarter and had taken it out a full minute...not super strong, but definitely a metallic taste.
  --Also had the itching in the same areas.
  --Around 10:30PM I suddenly noticed sore gums. I reached for the floss, but realized it was ALL of my gums, not just around a certain tooth. I flossed anyway and they bled a little.
  --Still slightly more frequent urination.
DPO4:
  --Continued itching in random places, with an increase in itching. I am now itching (at different times) inside my ears, sides of my fingers, palms, toes, soles of feet, small parts of legs, waist, back, parts of breast, back of armpit, and parts of my face including my nostrils and inside corners of my eyes (something about the orifices it seems). Now my upper lip, eyebrows, and neck.
  --This morning my gums bled when I brushed my teeth and they are still sore.
  --Metallic taste continues, though slightly less in the afternoon.
  --Slightly more frequent urination. I usually only have to urinate about 4 times a day at work, and now it's just about every hour. Sometimes I have to hold it if there is a group, but if it gets bad enough I'll use the client bathroom.
  --Starting to have very slightly sore nips. More like they are bruised?
  --The coup de grace! Spotting on my toilet paper when I came home. I have been thinking that this is all INSANELY early to be having this degree of symptoms and what seems (to me) to be severe. Then I thought, "wouldn't you know I'd have implantation spotting today too" My eyes nearly bugged out when I saw that red on the toilet paper!

**Update** After dinner I'm starting to feel a little more tired than normal (it's only 9PM) and I don't know WHAT I am smelling. Some subtle chemical smell...I really just wish I could recognize what the smell is...**end**

That's where I am for now. I leave for Texas In a week. I am going to test Friday morning (5/28) unless FF has moved/removed my crosshairs or AF shows. Memorial Day will be 14 DPO, but I don't know if I want to wait until then...it'd be kind of nice if it were positive before I left and I could decide how to tell my family. I was really wanting to wait to tell them but it would be SO great to get to tell them in person as they live a whole 2,000 miles away or something. And I know you read this sometimes Mom, but I don't know how often so don't worry and don't say anything to anyone because it's just as likely that I'm not and I'm just finally having enough progesterone in my system to give me different PMS symptoms.


But maybe not. And that's what get's me. And I now FULLY understand those POAS-aholics on the forums....I know 4DPO would be INSANELY early to get a positive on an HPT (though I did see a girl with a positive at 5DPO) I have so many HPTs that I'm telling myself I could just go through one a day until Friday and STILL have some leftover. I think, it's been awhile since I counted them.

The wait begins...