This cycle so far...

I apologize readers for neglecting this blog so. I have been busy...looking for work, keeping house, unpacking, etc. So, I haven't been temping at a regular time every morning and it's making my temps a bit screwy. After adjusting one and leaving the rest, FF has settled on an O date for me. That makes me 8DPO today.

This cycle my BBs have been VERY sore. I decided to start rating it on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being worst pain. The last few days it has ranged from 6-8 in pain. And I was very tired the last two days, with pelvic cramps.

Today, my BB pain lowered to about 5-6. Fatigue was much less. Who knows. I started seeing some signs of spotting, so that may pick up in a day or two. If I haven't gotten full-fledged AF by Thursday I might test. I don't think I am pregnant, it's just strange symptoms for me.

The Essence of the TWW

I was just mulling over my last cycle again. I went back and forth between certain optimism that this IS the cycle and I AM pregnant to reminding myself that realistically, my "symptoms" over my TWW can change from cycle to cycle just cause that is what our bodies do. We never have "the same" TWW--there will always be that one tiny thing we can point out that is new or different--that we can try to hang our hat on as an indicator that we are pregnant.

But this is the essence of the TWW--the cycling between hope and despondency. We have put so much work, sacrifice and pain into "helping" our bodies create the perfect environment for growing a young life that we anxiously examine any sign that would prove our efforts are not in vain and that we are not engaged in an endlessly futile struggle.

I think it will be the death of me (or my efforts to TTC!)

10 DPO!!!

I'm cautiously doing a happy dance because so far I've made it through 10 full days past O before AF!!! Yippee! This makes me think my theory was right about my short LP in May due to still having high levels of Prolactin in my body after stopping my anti-psychotic.

I got my BFP on my July cycle so I couldn't gauge if the extension of my LP was due to that or lower Prolactin levels. So, I guess we'll see how long my LP REALLY is.

One thing about miscarrying, this 1st TWW is brutal. I'm moody and weepy and it feels like pregnancy all over again. Today I just got SUPER tired. Sometimes feels like I took a sleeping pill. The symptoms are messing with my head. See I KNOW in my head that BD 5 days BEFORE O is extremely unlikely--but not impossible. That's what's getting me. I can't find the percentages everywhere, but one place said as high as 10%!

Just reviewed my chart again and technically it was 6 days before O, which makes my chances about nil! But I HATE how I can't shake this niggling feeling that I might be....I know that this is JUST PMS and any magnification is a result of the miscarriage messing with my body...it's just hard to accept.

I will say that if by some MIRACLE I am pregnant then I'm a fertile myrtle and DH has super sperm!

I'm a masochist

I think any woman TTC will totally understand what I mean. During the 2ww we welcome sore, swollen bb, backaches, etc. because it *might* be because we're pregnant. I even press my nips or sides of my bbs to see how much it hurts, does it hurt worse than the day before. I feel blegh, but part of it makes me hopeful.  I even get worried when something stops hurting.  I'm only 4 DPO!

Also, starting to pee a LOT more. And I feel hungry allll the time. I went to eat Thai food, and I had my WHOLE plate and an hour or two later I was sooo hungry!

But, although I'm slightly hopeful I feel more hopeless. I've seen all of these symptoms before (and more!) and nothing. I just don't know which will be the magic cocktail that means I'm pregnant!

Impatiently waiting....I just hope that my LP is at least longer than 9 days.

Early Pregnancy Symptoms/Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms

There's a fine line between early pregnancy symptoms (EPS) and imaginary pregnancy symptoms (IPS). And that line is the test line on your pregnancy tests. Yes, nature is cruel, and often the same (or similar) symptoms a woman experiences prior to her period are the same as symptoms prior to pregnancy. Especially for a TTCer who as she starts the 2WW (two week wait) is susceptible to slight changes in her body.

With that said, for my first official 2WW I'm going to present a list of my EPS/IPS by DPO:

DPO2-3:
  --Random itching of my body. At first I just noticed it on the back of my arm behind my arm-pit, the inside of my arm near my wrist and my scalp.    
  --Slightly more frequent urination but I wasn't sure if that was because I started drinking more water (but not more than I used to before two weeks ago)
DPO3:
  --I also started to notice at 3PM a distinct metallic taste in my mouth. Kind of like I sucked on a quarter and had taken it out a full minute...not super strong, but definitely a metallic taste.
  --Also had the itching in the same areas.
  --Around 10:30PM I suddenly noticed sore gums. I reached for the floss, but realized it was ALL of my gums, not just around a certain tooth. I flossed anyway and they bled a little.
  --Still slightly more frequent urination.
DPO4:
  --Continued itching in random places, with an increase in itching. I am now itching (at different times) inside my ears, sides of my fingers, palms, toes, soles of feet, small parts of legs, waist, back, parts of breast, back of armpit, and parts of my face including my nostrils and inside corners of my eyes (something about the orifices it seems). Now my upper lip, eyebrows, and neck.
  --This morning my gums bled when I brushed my teeth and they are still sore.
  --Metallic taste continues, though slightly less in the afternoon.
  --Slightly more frequent urination. I usually only have to urinate about 4 times a day at work, and now it's just about every hour. Sometimes I have to hold it if there is a group, but if it gets bad enough I'll use the client bathroom.
  --Starting to have very slightly sore nips. More like they are bruised?
  --The coup de grace! Spotting on my toilet paper when I came home. I have been thinking that this is all INSANELY early to be having this degree of symptoms and what seems (to me) to be severe. Then I thought, "wouldn't you know I'd have implantation spotting today too" My eyes nearly bugged out when I saw that red on the toilet paper!

**Update** After dinner I'm starting to feel a little more tired than normal (it's only 9PM) and I don't know WHAT I am smelling. Some subtle chemical smell...I really just wish I could recognize what the smell is...**end**

That's where I am for now. I leave for Texas In a week. I am going to test Friday morning (5/28) unless FF has moved/removed my crosshairs or AF shows. Memorial Day will be 14 DPO, but I don't know if I want to wait until then...it'd be kind of nice if it were positive before I left and I could decide how to tell my family. I was really wanting to wait to tell them but it would be SO great to get to tell them in person as they live a whole 2,000 miles away or something. And I know you read this sometimes Mom, but I don't know how often so don't worry and don't say anything to anyone because it's just as likely that I'm not and I'm just finally having enough progesterone in my system to give me different PMS symptoms.


But maybe not. And that's what get's me. And I now FULLY understand those POAS-aholics on the forums....I know 4DPO would be INSANELY early to get a positive on an HPT (though I did see a girl with a positive at 5DPO) I have so many HPTs that I'm telling myself I could just go through one a day until Friday and STILL have some leftover. I think, it's been awhile since I counted them.

The wait begins...