Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Just when you're ready to zig, they zag...

So, I wanted to ease back into blogging. One reason I listed my last blog post was because those were the things I have been dealing with since the end of July.I scheduled an appt with the ACHA certified cardiologist in Houston. Let's call him Dr. Direct. I had an MRI and was sent home with a holter monitor to measure my heart rhythms for 24 hours. I was told when I left that after Dr. Direct had a chance to go over the MRI and other test results, he would call me to discuss the results.

At the appt, Dr. Direct mentioned that there would be certain conditions that I had to meet to even qualify for the melody valve procedure. At least two things had to be changed, the size of my valve (width) and also amount of leakage through the valve. Dr. Direct acknowledged another option that he recommended, of adding additional medications to my current single med I am currently taking to moderate my heart palpitations (irregular rhythms).

I was relieved that there could be another option other than surgery. I also mentioned to Dr. Direct the recommendations of the perinatologists at my local hospital and how they pressured me to agree to a tubal ligation, the fact that I'd been trying for 4 years to get pregnant. At first Dr. Direct was not aware that I had already been trying, and he clarified that my cardiologists during that time were okay with me trying to conceive.

Although he asked questions about our efforts, he never directly said that he thought whether it was OK for me to conceive at this time. However, he had yet to look at my current tests and I was sure he did not want to commit to an answer without all of the information.

So, I left still accepting I may never be able to carry my own child, to be a parent. I waited 2 weeks, then called the hospital to ask if Dr. Direct had made progress and may call me soon. Somehow, my first few calls that week and the next were not received by his assistant. I finally was able to call last week and reach his assistant. She was able to call me that same day, and check with Dr. Direct on his assessment.

First, she said that Dr. Direct was very pleased with my MRI results. I don't remember her mentioning what he said about my holter monitor, so I assume it was OK. She also said Dr. Direct needs me to come back in 6 months for a Stress test, ECHO and to meet with Dr. Direct again after. I also asked if he thought it would be permissible for me to attempt to conceive. After checking with him, she said Dr. Direct stated that he was OK with attempts to conceive and would provide support should that occur.

And, as wonderful as that is....I think part of me only wanted to know so that I could be vindicated with the evaluation of the perinatologists that wanted me to basically sterilize myself. (not really, can be reversed) That is why I titled my post this way. I am not sure now that I have the option. I was soooo steeped in trying to conceive for so long....it had started to consume every part of my life.  Everything I experienced I referenced with my efforts to conceive a child, or my repeated inability to do so. And being forced to withdraw from that, to truly let it go; it's been freeing. I can be me, myself. It didn't matter where I was in my cycle or if I even had a cycle.  Foods I used to screen for whether it would be safe if pregnant, these weren't important. I think I found a way back to myself.

And I'm scared that I can't get back into TTC halfheartedly. That if we start trying again, I won't be able to keep me and TTC. Perhaps if I can hold on to my acceptance of living child-free. Although it seems incomprehensible to even TTC without charting at some point, I think perhaps I might not. It could take months or a year before my cycle truly returns with the depo provera shot--which I was due to get again next week. I already feel some symptoms of my cycle returning--for instance, a few days this week I had sore/tender breasts, which hasn't occured since I started the depo provera. And today--I can't say for sure that it was due to my menstrual cycle hormones, but this evening I got some inexplicable fatigue that I really haven't felt since I was last ovulating. And now I think about it, some cramping, but with my IBS, I can't really rely on that.

As much as I enjoyed the documenting and tracking of symptoms and all the tools and the sites---I'm afraid that it just feeds my obsession.

What do you think? Can it be done--TTC without obsession. I think the only way to do so is to accept the results without anticipation, which is one of the hardest things to do when it is something that matters so much. Let me know if any of you have found any way to separate trying to conceive from who you are as a person. Allow it to be just a part of who you are instead of the whole kit and kaboodle.

Feel free to vote in the poll listed above the main posts, and comment here!

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Motherhood Wanted approved!

Motherhood Wanted approved!
Diana Farrell, MA


Motherhood Wanted approved!