First, I want to thank everyone for their lovely comments in my last post. I'm still absorbing a lot of this and ignoring it most of the time. But I needed to get some thoughts out.
Since my docs told me with finality that I cannot carry a pregnancy, I've had varying emotions. Most of the time I can manage to not think about it, but the last few days...if I'm not "busy" I sometimes feel this suffocating despair---usually I am able to keep it at bay, but it just leaves me feeling numb. I can't really feel, because if I feel, I will feel too much.
I look at pictures of my friends and their kids and I feel so...distant. I used to look at those pictures and think "maybe that will be me someday" And I know that there are ways, but it's so expensive it might be years down the road. So, I not only have to accept that I may not carry a pregnancy, but that I may not have the opportunity to have a family, in whatever way is possible.
Most people try to cheer me up by suggesting adoption and I hate, I HATE how this tries to completely wipe away my grief of never being able to carry my own child or have one that carries traits of myself or my husband. It's not that I'd never want to consider it, but it's kind of like suggesting to a widow "You could always do online dating" at her husband's funeral.
Thank you for joining my pity party today. I think I had to get that out or I would kind of explode at some random moment tomorrow.