Wednesday, December 5, 2012

AF is a mob boss and I just want to be a "made (wo)man"

To quote The Godfather, "Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in!" To compare our menses, aka Aunt Flow aka the Big Red Wave aka the Red Witch (among others), to a mob boss is a pretty fair description, in my book. I know this is anthropomorphizing so that I avoid the shame related to my reproductive system failure, but it is an emotional wringer.

I mean, the promise of life, the long hours, tedious waiting, physical and mental stress and it all ends in a bloody mess.  Pretty apt, right?

I get to feeling this way when I am in that point of a cycle of reluctant resignation. Convinced I'm out after X number of BFNs, remission of strong PMS symptoms, spotting begins...any one of these will do, or a combo.  It's worse when you have false hope. Like an evap line on an HPT.

Anyhoo, I had reached my point of reluctant resignation. Told myself that since I'd been spotting, many days of BFNs following the evap, and my symptoms have been decreasing lately---I'm reading the writing on the wall.

One of the problems for me with this cycle is not tracking O. See my previous post for that. So, I have the additional problem of not knowing if I'm coming or going. Also, as I am awaiting first full flow AF post-Depo Provera shot, I figure I'm in for a rough ride anyway as my hormones balance out. Hopefully the Dong Quai will help that be sooner, rather than later.

So I must remember my skills of radical acceptance. I accept that today I am having sore breasts. I accept that today I had pain in my left groin area this evening. I accept that I had a craving for bone-in fried chicken (I think it was more fried chicken skin, but y'know). I accept that I've had fatigue since after dinner. I accept that I'm having a difficult time finding words. But these things are all I can accept. I have no other information or facts to accept. No conclusions to make.


Maria said...

Can't wait for an update because I think whatever the name of this boat we are in, we are in it together. :)

Melissa @MotherhoodWantd said...

@Maria--I know dear! I'm holding out hope for you! You certainly have a better shot, knowing you O'd and such. But this is maybe the suckiest part of the two week wait, you're at the end, just wanting AF to show up already! Best of luck to you dear!

Motherhood Wanted approved!

Motherhood Wanted approved!
Diana Farrell, MA


Motherhood Wanted approved!