Saturday, March 29, 2014

The torture continues...

I hate my body right now. If any woman reading this has miscarried, you will know what I mean. For whatever reason, I'm significantly less sad about this miscarriage than I would have been 6 months ago.  I keep mulling over the possible reasons for this.  Possibly since this is not uncharted territory for me; sadly, I'm navigating slightly familiar waters, so I know better what to expect. Although, I think many people in their fear of change cling to a misapprehension that once they've done something once, it will happen exactly that way EACH time. In my experience, the pattern may be similar, but details can change so drastically that it is almost a different experience.

Most importantly, I have reached prior to this pregnancy a stage of acceptance regarding my fertility and status as a childless couple.  I wish I could say to those in current pain regarding their infertility that X number of years/attempts/etc, will convert into acceptance of one's circumstances and the ability to find joy in daily life, but like most things, it is a journey one must make on one's own and the length of time depends on each person. I used to think those women on forums that wanted to try right after miscarrying were heartless.  That trying to "replace" the unique life that once was, but shall not be is a discredit to its brief existence.

Now, I see it from a more practical view. Grieving is for the living, and so it must take as long as the living requires. I do grieve this loss, at the same time accepting what it cannot be. However, after 6+ years of struggling to achieve pregnancy, and more importantly, live birth, I cannot take any opportunity for granted. I have read articles that say the body is primed for pregnancy right after a miscarriage. Many doctors want women to give the body a rest, which, depending on circumstances may be very wise.  I think in many situations, though, it is so the doctor can know important information regarding the second pregnancy, etc. I think with my type of miscarriage, however, chances of real issues are low.

I do want to see my doctor to eliminate the possibility of certain pregnancy conditions that could present unhealthy situations, such as ectopic or molar pregnancy. Molar pregnancy is rare, so I mostly fear ectopic, especially since I have been having some odd back/stomach pain centered on my left side.

The real torture in miscarriage, however, is not all of the above issues I have described. The torture is your body's attempts to balance out the hormones. Most women realize they are miscarrying when they have a sudden disappearance/drop of symptoms. To go from boobs so sore they cannot be touched one day to barely noticing them the next can be clear. Throw in some unusual spotting and light to medium flow, you see the writing on the wall.  I think if it could be left at that, it would be a much kinder process. Except, like many things related to the female reproductive system, it is never so simple or straightforward as that. It's more like a power surge or your car running out of gas. You go from no symptoms to a sudden rush into nausea, fatigue and breast tenderness. If it were a few hours, you could write it off, but no, it lasts just long enough to sow seeds of doubt that the miscarriage is true. This then cultivates the bitterest of herbs, false hope. All of my negative pregnancy tests and logic regarding how the body works are thrown out the window when that secret, desperate part of me that grieves my loss, my infertility, clings on to this seed of doubt and says SEE! I TOLD YOU, its still possible, don't give up now!!!!!  

And this is where the unknown sneaks up on you and gives credence to these pleas. I recall the various exceptions that have come across my path. The stories of women with negatives that turned out to be false, excessive bleeding early on to achieve live birth, the miracles. And why not me?

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Motherhood Wanted approved!

Motherhood Wanted approved!
Diana Farrell, MA


Motherhood Wanted approved!