Wednesday, November 9, 2011

How to inactively TTC

Wow. That's a loaded statement, if any, "how to inactively TTC." Really more of an oxymoron, like hot ice or cold fire. Most of the peeps on the Pregnancy/TTC boards refer to it as "not trying not preventing" or NTNP for short (or some version of this).

Before I forget, and go into my quasi-philosophical ramblings, I want to attempt to explain my sudden burst of activity after stating I would not be active. The simplest explanation is that a few of these things were initiated before we chose to NTNP. Specifically, the Redbook video was submitted a few weeks before, and it seemed a shame to not share this wonderful campaign with my readers and fellow infertility club members.

Then I got approached to do a great article on infertility consultants at, so it seemed natural to pursue this too. By this point I believe my grieving over not actively TTC had begun to heal. Also, I am the type of person that I tend to focus on a particular activity or goal intensely, somewhat obsessively (ok TOTALLY obsessively). So, part of postponing TTC was that I had this lost I was drifting, purposeless. This is a time when most people throw themselves into their work...I ended up getting back to substituting full-time and had a few job interviews. I also needed time to figure out what the right ratio and mix of fertility stuff I could participate in and not hurt. Also, my current somewhat depressed mood state is quite exacerbated in the days leading up to my period and especially the week of my period. During those times I feel excessive guilt, hopelessness, shame--classic depression symptoms. So, not an ideal time to surf the fertility boards and watch others obsess about their cycle.

And I think that is the key. As much as I care about how those girls do, I can't handle my own issues while I cheer them on. Every time I look at where they are in their cycle, it makes me think about where I am in my cycle. Or tempted to re-start my Fertility Friend so I can track my cycle. Or just feel sad that I can't even test.

And then there is my testing insanity. I've always been a bit of a POAS addict, but I seriously--seriously--get this crazy denial about my negative HPTs. I convince myself of all the plausible, yet unlikely ways that I could still be pregnant even though it is most certainly negative. I have even insisted on another beta test AFTER a few days of full, red flow, convinced I was having an ectopic.

Let's just say I waste a LOT of money on pregnancy tests....even when I've already had my period.

No comments:

Motherhood Wanted approved!

Motherhood Wanted approved!
Diana Farrell, MA


Motherhood Wanted approved!