Current cycle status and vitamin regimen

So, since I am not charting, OPKing, or doing really anything to track my cycle most of this is a guesstimate. I would say the only thing I am really doing is marking when my period arrives on my phone's calendar and when it is projected. Since I tend toward 30 day cycles, I am estimating to get my period this cycle on 11/25/11--Thanksgiving, AGAIN. I only hope that it is much less painful than last Thanksgivings. Still, I am about 4 days away from my expected period--still no spotting, but I could still get it as close as 2 days before.

I really am trying not to obsess about my cycles, but when my BBs hurt so much, and I know that I've ovulated....I can't help but wait and wonder. I only keep track of when to expect my period so I can know if it is late. I try not to obsess about whether or not I am...I tend to despair that I will never get pregnant naturally.  I did have some spotting about a week ago for 2-3 days..not much...could have been O-spotting. Time will tell. 

I'm also out of supplements. I need to get my Royal Jelly, B-Complex and Folic Acid replaced. I've been out for awhile. Other than that I'm going back on my Melaleuca Vitality 4 vitamins since when I added that to my regimen last time I had such a long luteal phase. So I really believe in those. 

Hopefully I'll be able to get some soon. 

How to inactively TTC

Wow. That's a loaded statement, if any, "how to inactively TTC." Really more of an oxymoron, like hot ice or cold fire. Most of the peeps on the Pregnancy/TTC boards refer to it as "not trying not preventing" or NTNP for short (or some version of this).

Before I forget, and go into my quasi-philosophical ramblings, I want to attempt to explain my sudden burst of activity after stating I would not be active. The simplest explanation is that a few of these things were initiated before we chose to NTNP. Specifically, the Redbook video was submitted a few weeks before, and it seemed a shame to not share this wonderful campaign with my readers and fellow infertility club members.

Then I got approached to do a great article on infertility consultants at Examiner.com, so it seemed natural to pursue this too. By this point I believe my grieving over not actively TTC had begun to heal. Also, I am the type of person that I tend to focus on a particular activity or goal intensely, somewhat obsessively (ok TOTALLY obsessively). So, part of postponing TTC was that I had this lost feeling...like I was drifting, purposeless. This is a time when most people throw themselves into their work...I ended up getting back to substituting full-time and had a few job interviews. I also needed time to figure out what the right ratio and mix of fertility stuff I could participate in and not hurt. Also, my current somewhat depressed mood state is quite exacerbated in the days leading up to my period and especially the week of my period. During those times I feel excessive guilt, hopelessness, shame--classic depression symptoms. So, not an ideal time to surf the fertility boards and watch others obsess about their cycle.

And I think that is the key. As much as I care about how those girls do, I can't handle my own issues while I cheer them on. Every time I look at where they are in their cycle, it makes me think about where I am in my cycle. Or tempted to re-start my Fertility Friend so I can track my cycle. Or just feel sad that I can't even test.

And then there is my testing insanity. I've always been a bit of a POAS addict, but I seriously--seriously--get this crazy denial about my negative HPTs. I convince myself of all the plausible, yet unlikely ways that I could still be pregnant even though it is most certainly negative. I have even insisted on another beta test AFTER a few days of full, red flow, convinced I was having an ectopic.

Let's just say I waste a LOT of money on pregnancy tests....even when I've already had my period.

Positive Word Challenge Day 3--Trying or Preventing?

Sooooo, last time we BD I was intent on protection...and trying out new methods of barrier protection. This time tried the Sponge...so-so. So far the best I've tried, but still have some others I might look into.

Well....today I had a HUGE dip in my chart. And I'm right around the time that I could be O'ing. I thought my CM was sticky, but noticed the circular pattern in my underwear and changed it to watery. And DH has been wanting to BD. So, when I came home tonight I *might* have DTD without using protection. Ooops!

I doubt I'll actually become pregnant. The one cycle I did achieve pregnancy, I used Mucinex and had picture perfect EWCM. This CM is a combo of sticky/watery. Less likely to help the sperm reach the desired destination.

Well, fingers-crossed. Who knows, maybe I'll get a Christmas Miracle?