Saturday, February 18, 2012

Death and Birth in TTC

I think any of us who have been TTCing for more than 6 months have observed how the  ending of one cycle is like a death: Death to our hopes for achieving pregnancy this cycle, death as the bookmark matching the beginning of this cycle. And like death, there are last gasps representing the life of this cycle. The spotting that might begin for some, or onset of bloating. Perhaps a rise in their PMS symptoms--it can be unique to each woman and to each cycle, but we all generally know when it is over.

And yet, the same cramping pains that signal this cycle's death are also birthing our new cycle. Our new hope. Breaking down the elements of what was to build for the next cycle, the next attempt. Pardon the expression, but taking the manure of the old to enrich the field for the new.

OK, I know I'm being REALLY philosophical right now. I can't help it. The end of a cycle is to grieve. We mourn the loss of the possibility. My period hasn't quite started, but most of the signs are there. Intermittent light spotting, started progressing to red. As soon as I see that, I have to start acknowledging that it's over. But it is just. so. hard. I try not to get my hopes up, to be realistic, but even when I seem to have my feet planted firmly on the ground, I fall.

In the past I've tried to rush the grief ahead by looking forward to the next cycle. And while I especially am excited to start my Bee Fertile, it isn't without some bitterness. Especially since I feel tortured each menses by an increase in the symptoms I had so hoped were an indication that I had FINALLY achieved my goal.

Also, on a side note, I voluntarily offered to host my SIL's baby shower. I don't think I've attended one since I have started TTC. I wanted to go to one in WA for a very good friend, but as it neared I found I couldn't face the thought of sitting amongst other women, mostly strangers to me, and having to field questions about my own attempts to have a family. I usually am just blatantly honest, but I would hate to put a damper on my friends or SILs day. It is about them. I really hope my older SIL can be there to help, because otherwise I don't think I'll be able to keep it together. I went so far as enlisting my youngest SIL to support me. She's really understanding for a teen, and I might just have to give her some of the "baby games" to lead, and definitely responsibility to jot down the gifts and who they are from. I don't know what I was thinking!

Perhaps if I can ensure it is not at this point in my cycle, the beginning of a new one where I am at my lowest. I find it takes now to the end of my period or at least 5 days in for me to fully release the possibility of pregnancy and prepare for the cycle to come. As much as a new cycle is the birth of another possibility, it just hurts so much. 

2 comments:

Maria said...

I do the same thing... with letting myself down slowly but even after AF is here, still holding out some shred of hope that I am one of those freak stories where they thought they had AF and turns out it was just heavy implantation bleeding. I have never been that girl. :( I am sorry that it is looking like a new cycle but the one thing I love to do is get psyched up to try something new! Sounds like the Bee Fertile has promise for positive things!!! Thinking of you!

Melissa said...

Exactly. One of my online TTC pals was that girl. Unfortunately, it was right before her HSG, and it wasn't until after the procedure that she realized. I still don't know why her docs didn't do some test just in case. But now it makes me paranoid, even though I know it is a very low percentage of women it occurs with.

It doesn't help that I spot so often before AF, so I never know if it's IB or her approach. Drives me batty.

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